finally...

cant believe i recovered my account finally... so this is my post after a loooong time.. almost like from after-life... PS- i guess the new age of facebooks and the twitters have restricted my blog post/messages to short status messages with limited character space.. hopefully the bakwaas starts flowing soon :)

Life in Mumbai

Everyday on my way to the office, i encounter people from different facets of life.the pavement breakfast vendor who gives a short story on how each of his item is prepared hygienically( all the while scratching his legs, hands, some not mentionable), the middle aged lady at the bus stop who constantly carries out a mild banter about everything under the sun with her bus mate, the school kids who are having a chat about the latest cartoon being aired, so on and so forth... one common thread which connects all of them is their zest for enjoying yet another day.no matter how troubles or difficulties create hurdles, they all want to continue with their habitual routine with the same energy, same curiosity...people in mumbai are known for their speed or what i call madness...be it in the morning or midnight, people are always running for their life...their walking speed,the determined look in their faces makes me marvel on how on earth do they have soo much of energy..without doing anything worthwhile in life, i am left so tired at the end of the day...the good thing is after seeing them, a ray of energy seers through me, helping me take handle the hardships, keeping a smile on my face..

the life of a woman

the life of a woman is in a way entwined with that of a man. how much ever the feminist in me tries to defy this statement, deep down, she knows it is the truth. take our birth for instance..even though, it is the woman who gives birth, almost all the daughters are mesmerized with their fathers.till teenage, it is the father who catches the fantasy of the young girl. dropping off at school, helping her get ready in the morning, solving mathematical problems and of course, the occasional treats, the father is there in all...
younger brother....need to take care of him.... bring him up in a good way( hoping that he doesnt get misled by your behavior). being the guardian when he is getting ragged or just being his mentor whenever he is in distress.. a different role yet again..
first crush... first love...and the likes...if the guy is happy, you are jubilant.if he is sad, you are depressed. somehow the outcomes in his life has a greater impact on the girl's life.
marriage...this one according to me looks the most crucial in making or breaking a girl's life..,. out of the blue, you have to adjust to another set of relatives...their whims and fancies...caught between toeing the line and making everybody happy, the girl realizes that she is lost. amidst all the hue and cry created about the union, congruence and the likes, neither does she have her father to protect her nor does she have a brother's shoulder to lean on...her own friends at different stages in life cycle can no longer relate to the new problems faced by her... the husband himself is a new character..too early to trust and pour out your misgivings to...the mother suddenly starts treating her daughter as a grown up girl...faced with all these expectations from different quarters, she feels isolated, alone...

Dad Vs Fiance

When a gal sets out to search for a suitable guy for marriage, little does she realise that sub- consciously she is looking for all the traits her dad exhibits.This often ends in disappointment as intelligent and self-assured guys have become a part of a diminishing race. Qualities like One stop shop for all joy and miseries, reassuring personality and of course, the never ending allowance for shopping matter a lot. The current set of guys are somewhere lost in transition. neither where their dads where nor belonging to the metro sexual category of ultra suave men. Most of them do not know what they want from life. The extremes of being nerdy or a party animal are quite heavily populated. It is the equilibrium position which seems to be lacking numbers. There are so many studies which show that the current generation of gals are postponing marriage as late as 30 and above or even prefer opting out. Can you blame her for that? With education helping her quite a bit, there is no reason to lose out everything and act in a servile attitude. The guys, of course do not know how to adapt themselves to this change.

All said and done, i realized that its actually unfair to compare dad's qualities with your fiance's. Dad was not how he is now, say 25 years back. Men are like wine. They get better with time. So who knows, the men whom i find lacking now may be the best dads to their daughters some 20 years hence...

the inevitable

funny are the ways how the news of global economies, recession or down fall has a proportional effect in your personal life. with every rs depreciating, the amount of screaming which i get increases as i could have chosen to study abroad and not do charity in India...whenever rupee appreciates, i get to use my honed skills by using all the jargon so that i successfully shut the opponent's mouth...this has become a periodic cycle nowadays with the weak global policies.in the midst of this confusion, rises personal confusion and introspection cycle to make sure or convince urself tat watever u did was for the good of urself.Adding to this multi-ingredient soup, is the half baked opinions of my closest half baked friends( those who have managed to stick to me after innumerous incidents, etc ). And of course, how can i forget my own over time working brain? sometimes i just wish i can unplug my brain for sometime.

Cutting chai :)

One of the best and cheap ways to fill your stomach in Mumbai is having vada pav and a cup of cutting chai :)...this definitely fills up your stomach and doesnt empty ur wallet...i just love the taste of chai in the glasses...i know those are dirty...i know they probably contain more bacteria, virus than anything else...probably the unique taste comes from these...whats the point of safe guarding your body against all these bacteria anyways?

In the maddening crowd- Part 1

Mumbai sounded soo promising on paper since the day i got my offer letter..new city, new life...adventures, thrill of exploring the much famed city, the need to test the elasticity of the city in terms of the "safe"tag it has acquired over the years fr girls..in short, so much to do and so much to see..
my experience in the city is just more than a month old..nothing really spectacular...mumbai has this knack of apparently growing on people rather than impressing them outright...one thing i like and despise in this city is the energy of people..people here are soo full of energy, making me wonder about my own levels...i had the opportunity to sit in the CST station for over an hour just observing people...people were running helter and skelter...morning rush over, you cant expect anything better...the situation is not much different in the evening...same energy, greater speed,same overwhelming crowd...
the reason why i despise it- well, i just cant seem to be find the reason to run or even walk briskly in this maddening crowd anywhere...why? i dont know...well, i too have a job...i too have fixed timing...i dont know whats missing..

the top view

today i was sitting in the church gate station for close to an hour...so many people running on those 4 platforms...so many trains dishing out another truckload of people onto the platform...people getting a hurried snack in the various kiosks outlining the station...i just dint feel like i was part of the same crowd...i feel life would be far simpler if i just had a top view of life rather than take part in it...one minute you feel you know the destination...the very next minute you feel you have boarded the wrong local in the wrong line...people talk about how the destination remains the same but the path which you take differs with situation...what if the path remains the same but the destination keeps changing...the essential problem of every human being is that he thinks he is unique and different in comparison to the person next to him...so different set of problems which he perceives as more difficult and grit enduring than the others...different strategy...different levels of mood swings...at the end, when your life is beyond your control and it is going to end, do you realize that we are all the same...we are all trying to leave our mark in this life, some achieving it some not so...

perplexed

i am walking on the shores of a pristine beach...i guess i have been walking for quite sometime now...in search of a habitable place..in search of food..in search of a place to rest my feet....the gulls seem to be in a merry making mood playing with each other and nose diving into the water occasionally for their catch...the edges of the waves curl on reaching the shore, reminding me of my own curls...far across, the ocean looks very peaceful and placid...beneath the placid waters, many sharks must be on prowl,fish taking their evening swim, octopuses waking up from their siesta...beyond the sands, there are mountains stretching till the sky with sharp edges, making me wonder about the thrill which they can offer for diving...i smile at the tranquil nature and start humming a tune...left to myself, i threw inhibition,shyness to the winds and engaged in a full fledged song to my delight...splash..splash...a tiny droplet settled on my nose...rain...i look up as minutes before i had witnessed a clear blue sky...the scene now had changed to few huge black clouds moving at a great speed from the east...i am thrilled...thunderstorms!! what a sight it would be...i look at the sea..those same harmless curls of water suddenly lashing against the rocks on the shore...the gulls are nowhere to be seen...a small shade of fear coats my heart and makes me think, what the heck am i going to do?? i search for any sign of hamlet or fisher folks hoping to beg for a place to shelter for the night...that shade of fear..well, it just got stronger and stronger...i start running towards the mountains,hoping to find a sheltered cave or two...after covering some distance, i run out of breath...the droplets turn heavier and start pelting me...i suddenly realized that i was running quite close to the waves...my shoes were wet..suddenly, a huge boulder came in my view...by then it was too late to reduce my pace...i banged into it and fell down...my head started feeling whoozzy...i lost my grip on the boulder...the waves started crashing on me...my last thought...well, who would really care whether i am alive or dead...none...

boulevard of broken dreams....

whenever i feel down, i just keep returning to this good ol song...it almost always has something i connect with, no matter what the situation is...life is not a bed of roses is a cliched statement which is dished out at me at every given instance by someone or the other...its nt the hardships which am running away from..it is the people involved in these hardships...there are many times when i feel i am all alone fighting my own battle...by saying that am alone, i dont mean that i dont hav people around me...its the kind of feeling which you get when you enter a conference room full of people whom you dont know...many people around but not one whom you know...there are many things which just happen leaving you pretty unhappy...the confusing part about these happenings is that you dont know whther it happened for the good or the worse...
there is a saying which goes like the man who waters the tree never lives to enjoy its fruits...it is so true...i dont know what am blabbering here..its just that i am not at peace with myself...

feminist or not so much...

recently, there has been loads of news coverage about the emerging woman workforce who are giving the guys a run for their money in pratically all the fields...is it really so? the feminist in me got really irritated as what was being portrayed as the emerging cosmo india is actually not so cosmo in nature...u still get stares when you walk on the road in jeans in chennai..u still get smirked for going for higher studies...some of the castes just educate their girl child with an engineering degree to get them better alliances...many of the middle class women work not because they feel empowered but to make both the ends meet...does education and empowerment work this way?? last week, there was a heated discussion about how it is the girls who are at fault fr the rising rape cases in india..the reason given was that girls hardly wear clothes nowadays and hence, the guys get turned on so you cannot really blame them, you see....is this the explanation which you want to hear? that too from a sixty plus man...are the guys sooo less in self control that they jus have to do it if they see a gal's legs or watever....wat do we speak about the western societies then? i feel the first enemy for the modern women are women themselves.. the older generation is not comfortable with this new generation who go by their own rules, work hard and party harder attitude,who feel that they need not tolerate a guy and acknowledge their superiority(self claimed) just for the virtue of being born a guy...i happen to fall into this new generation myself...i see the way the women in my family view me as rebellious...is fighting for my basic rights as what to eat, where to eat and whom to eat termed as rebellious? all your life you are brought up with dialogues of how "the boys are bad..u shudnt talk to them unnecessarily..." and out of the blue, they decide on a guy by showing a pic and ask is he looking good?? for what?? for legalised mating?? how do you decide if a guy is good? by his fair looks? by his height? recently, my mum announced that there is a niceee guy who is nt yet married..qualification- some mba...6'2 height( told with an exclamation and a sense of satisfaction)...what am i gonna do with a 6'2 height guy? i dunno...how is it relevent?? i dont know...having studied so much and probably acquired wisdom over the years, dont i have the right to choose a guy for myself? why is it considered a deep disgrace if anyone has a love marriage? why does it have to immediately reflect on the upbringing which my mom gave or that of my family? why cannot it be considered as my individual decision?? is this the new age india? this is just an outburst from another so called empowered woman...

absolutely nothing to do

its during this time that my mind absolutely stops working...i am sitting at home waiting for my joining date and enjoying every bit of it...what do i like the most?? the very fact that i can watch the television without feeling guilty about wasting time or feeling that there is something else to do...hostel life leaves you wishing for some other furniture to sit on other than your bed...so i find my sofa a welcome relief....this relief has become my second bed as i practically live on it with all my necessities at an arm's distance away from me...yeah, you get it..i have become a couch potato...simply amazing....read novels, eat every goddamn stuff which is in kitchen, try out recipes when you are in the mood, and well...sleep blissfully...i probably enjoy this time more for the very fact that i feel i will never get this time back...coming online to check mails by itself sounds like a job to me nowadays....i hardly feel like coming online, chat endlessly with my far flung friends because coming online and whiling away the time reminds me so much of my b school days and that gets me quickly into a depression...well, not quite a depression...close to it....so here i am...in a new world which just cant get more idealistic :D

detachment

how much ever i read of philosophy, the one which strikes out is the concept of detachment...how can one not remain detached? if you have to remain detached, tat means u have to conscious of each and every minute to remind urself tat yes, i shudnt get attached...which in turn means tat you are nt being urself..u r nt giving 100% towards doing the work...its a vicious circle...the more you remind urself, the more u think about the idea, the more you think abt the idea, the more attached you become, the more attached you become, the more sad you will be once it fails, this sadness will make you go back to the concept of detachment and make urself promise that it wont happen again...and it starts all over again...

something positive...

onething i realised after going thru my blog is that i always write wen am sad...why cant i write wen i am happy,jubiliant or even neutral for that matter? probably because the creativity is best at the negative extreme...probably...well, this post is to show that i am happy now and i did think of this cribbing page even when am happy...and i intend to keep it this way for sometime :)

LIfe is a game

i look at either side of the alley, with my rifle ready, for any other human form.my extra sensory ears are working at
their peak performance rate, listening to any sounds coming from any direction in the fort.i am an amateur in this game
and hence, pretty apprehensive about the rules and the know how of the game.i proceed further down with the same caution
my long time friend calls out to me, making me halt and raise my rifle in caution. he approaches and gives an idea that
"lets take the enemies down together". united we stand. i listen to his idea and think yeah, i do trust him.
it makes more sense. lets do it together. so together, we move on the unknown path leading us through the pits of danger, whirpool of
emotions ranging from fear, anxiety to jubiliance to the final stage of victory. i take care of the ammunition part
of aimless firing at all the directions, just looking enough to ensure that someone has fallen down. brainy tactics,
i have always lacked.covering my various achilles heels, i have always done.

He takes care of analysing the route to be taken from the parched map of this old fort which we carried in our jacket.
he loudly thinks over the strategy which we should opt for. how many enemies are we likely to encounter in which all
paths, would the terrain be rough for us to compete effectively, would the same factor hamper other people from taking
the same path,how would we take the enemies down, will it be simply by firing, or do we have to throw our limited supply
of explosives.so yeah, with every possible issue covered by the two of us, yeah mostly by him, we marched forward in
the most congested and the most difficult path of all. high risks, high gains. that was our motto.one, two, we take them
by surprise and clever manipulation.
blood, gory scenes, bodies flung on either side of our route,i try to turn my heart into a stone.i feel the
deep sense of anguish and start to question the cause for our actions. is it necessary? cant we do without it? he tries
to convince me that it is necessary for the survival of the fittest. we need to fight it out and that i need to be
grateful to have more information and the deep forethought of my partner which many others lack.grateful i am,questioning
the outcome i did.
during the course of our journey, there was a general shift of our well defined responsibilities. i started helping him
in charting out our path and redefining our objectives.my rusted brain, started shining vibrantly, bringing forth all the
vicious and manipulative ideas which we decorated and presented to the world as effective strategy for moving forward.

we finally reached the top of the fort after a gruelling climb, both physically and emotionally.i for one was jubilliant.
we made it to the top. 100 metres away lay the goal post which would soon declare us to be the winners.almost everyone
whom we knew had been taken down in our rise to the top. obsessed with the goal, we were.with these thoughts, i looked
at my side to give a jubiliant smile to my long standing partner who had helped me so much. there was just pure air and
the scenery from the top beyond.the reality struck deep inside me.a mix of a figment of my own imagination and the angel
whom i had trusted had brought me to where i was. shocked, i decided to finish the game started by me by moving forward
to collect my trophy near the goal post.as i was moving ahead, a shot of sharp pain cruised my veins from my leg. it was
excruciable. i started stumbling while another shot of pain danced its way through my spinal cord. i turned back in vain.
i saw her smiling face while i fell down, helplessly 10 metres away from the goal post.

serendipity

foggy days, cold winters..the view from the balcony seconded that...i see him across the table..a twinkle in his eyes,the upturned corner of his lip...i have been ranting about my roommate for the last half hour over a cup of coffee and a muffin..at the end of it when i managed to get a glimpse of his face, i knew he had not been listening to a syllable of it...my breath got caught half way,looking at those eyes offering a promise of something delightful, something i have been waiting for a long time, that something...sigh! all conversation and the grumbling vanished out of my mind and it became as blank as a sheet of paper...blank it was, waiting to be splashed with splendid colors in all possible shapes and designs..trepidation mixed with excitement,confluence of shyness and raunchy emotions, confused yet having a clear vision of what looked like the inevitable outcome, i sat mesmerized by the smile...my wicked brain started coming up with different conceptualizations...those eyes sensed what was going on in my brain and assured me just that...or probably more than that...hypnotized and unable to process or make any move, i nervously licked my lips awaiting the lead...a spark of desire intermingled with love i saw getting reflected in his eyes...he stood up suddenly...confused as always, with raised eyebrows conveying what i wanted to, i stood up too...he extended his hand waiting for me to take up the challenge...not to be the type to get intimidated ,i accepted it...hand in hand, we went inside...

Optimism

I was never a believer of all the talks which happen on surrounding yourself with positive energy, positive thoughts, dont think negatively, blah blah...off late, i feel it might be true...consider the situation in my undergrad...i was forever flunking in most of the interim exams only to have a blemish free final university examinations..i did get my first class with distinction finally...between the bouts of flunking, i never ever thought that i will ever flunk in my semesters...is this classified as a positive thought? may be, i am not too sure...coming to my post grad studies, its just the reversal..never did i think that i will pass..and sometimes it did happen that i dint...now, this is a case of concern..named as a forever worrier and a pessimistic, i am not too glad about this title as never ever have i had the experience of being so...trying my level best, i am. but in vain...still trying...how i wish i could turn back time...

Wish list 2011

Here are few of the places where i wanna go next year by hook or crook...
1. Machu picchu - Inca civilization
2. Venice - gondola rides
3. Scotland- Gerrard + PS i love you hang over
4. Ladakh - pristine beauty
5. Goa - beaches and mmmm sexy clothes
6. Singapore- nearest foreign destination worth the money
7. New Zealand - awesome locale
8. Egypt - towering pyramids and the sands
9. the western ghats- forests,waterfalls,winding roads,beaches
10.Paris- oomph..city of love!

The ugly truth

This is one of the movies which i keep returning to whenever i need a good laugh.Humor, romance, sexy actor..its got it all..i never have the habit of watching the entire movie the second time(without fast forwarding)barring KKHH.The funny thing is that this is the first english movie which i have seen roughly 5 times ..by 5 times, i mean watching the entire movie right through the bloopers...amazing chemistry between the lead pair.the dialogs are damn funny and the wicked look on Gerrard's face is worth a million...altogether, a nice movie with 2 good soundtracks...i love it :)
Fav lines
1. i like woman on top *wink
2. you will never know (LOL)
3. god too many to mention here!
ps: this is not a movie review. i saw it recently. so i thought i should share my thoughts on this flick...

S.H.I.T. happens

one lesson which i learnt the hard way is not to trust people that easily. the problem is that i know i am not supposed to trust them easily and each and every time, i make an exception to the rule saying no ways it cannot be this person who will be mean to me. here comes my foolishness in thinking that world is either black or white,neglecting the deepness of the shades of gray which suppresses my each and every move to rise to the top. The makers of the resident evil probably got inspired by the B school life. Each and every one trying to push the other to the source of human blood.Last week went in me cribbing that my life is so boring that i want something to happen in my life. nothing good happens. never. it is always an unwanted complication which occurs to give me some unwanted anxiety and disturbance.how many times should i try to put on my thinking, witch cap to out beat the other person, only to figure out that they have already reached the next stage by the time i had finished my thinking process.am i slow? i dont have an answer to that. Am i that good that i am not able to think craftily? i doubt that too. what am i.always caught between good and bad, emotional and practical feelings, emotive and stone faced, beautiful and ugly looking,"good person" and "bitch"...am i calculative or do i just analyze too much of the situations which leads me nowhere.neither do i use the analysis in achieving my dreams nor do i have the peace of mind acquired due to lack of excess mental,unproductive mental activity...am i insensitive to people's problems or am i just protecting myself against a let down by the other person..am i having too much of expectation from the other person or am i justified in being non committal to them....i dont have an answer to any of these.people advise me to go with the flow. the problem is in identifying which is the right flow..pessimistic view of the placements, rosy caricature of the jobs...it does not stop with the placements. everything in life is a fight...its not that i am against fighting..i have had my share of those.. it is just that i hate fighting in an uneven terrain where i dont know the cause of the battle...it is the same feeling which you get when your own sword turns against you and the pain sears through you..unable to find the spot of origin nor able to find the spot of termination... life sucks...