tracing the way back

sometimes we get sad when a person close to us decides to move away or is bound by the fangs of life which makes he/she move away ...missing the other person starts even when she hasnt really moved out of the life as yet.. i am one of those persons who sits and preaches saying distance doesnt matter and it still is possible to stay in contact with any person across the globe... the point of differentiation comes when i realise that staying in contact and really being there for your friend. some people dole out philosophies saying when you lose something, it just means you will get a replacement of the same kind in the near future.. when you lose a friends, u will get another one in the new place or someone whom you would have never considered before might become closer to you..in times like this, it would be better to concentrate on what we really want in life.. the beautiful nest with small birds at the top of the tree or the branches and twigs which helped us in reaching the nest..if you become attached to the branch, you will never reach the nest for the fear of leaving the branch behind.. does it mean you are opportunistic or does it mean you forget people who have helped you at some point of life? nope, it just means you have a far more purposeful goal in your life and those who have helped you would be more happy to see you achieve yours than to see your failure due to the impedement caused by them...when you are in near the nest, you obviously have the whole tree to yourself.. its like eating the cake and having it too.. its about deciding when to stop eating and start keeping it...people who understand this would not shed their twigs due to sorrow but would be like the eternal spring,full of bloom and joy...only when you are alone, you realise how nice it is to be alone.. this realisation doesnt make you a lesser socialite or a recluse.. it means something... you are at peace with yourself...

time

a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to get, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to rend, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time of war, and a time to peace...

'pee'losophy

my heart tells me that this is the street where i used to live some ten years ago but my mind tells me an all together different story.. i cant recognise any of the houses and i look about searching for the uncle who used to always wish me good morning early in the morning at 8'30 ( the time when i used to leave home for college) and the other guy who used to tease me for always being on the mobile... i feel like i have woken up on the wrong side of the bed.. everything looks bizarre and i dont have any wish to be in this part of the world... the whole feeling of nostalgia ditched me and in its place, came a new found sense of isolation.. i search desperately for some familiar sign only to be disappointed again... i suddenly noticed that there was a whole new bunkch of kids playing on the streets. atleast my common sense dint ditch me and i hadnt expected the same bunch of kids to be playing gully cricket after ten years..the look of curiosity in thier eyes matched the look of belonging in my eyes.. i yearned to be recognised by someone and this feeling made me want to creep back inside the car taking me back to the place where everybody knew me and somewhere i belonged... i proceeded down the road unabashed by their looks...i saw that in the place of a mango sapling, now stood a mango tree.. this whole new atmosphere lent a feeling of insecurity and claustrophobia.. i did realise everything and everybody have to change in due course of time but least expected everything to happen in a matter of few years.. i curse those many years which kept me away from my people...the whole purpose of journey was to envisage my house- my home where i grew up .. i finally catch a glimpse of a ruined house and in my heart, i send a prayer upwards ,praying it shouldnt be mine... alas, god also chose to desert me at this instant.. i recognised the weathered color n the walls,the ivy which had started growing on the window sill which, had now managed to conquer the whole house,the iron gate which looked like it was about to crumble unable to take in the gravity of the situation,the ledge on which my mum used to dry the curry leaves to make those mouth watering dishes,the moss covered outhouse which used to house the car.. without realising, few tears of anguish escaped my eyes and i suddenly realised what my mum went through when she saw the school in which she had studied some forty years back..my heart couldnt bear the weight of this collosal disappointment... then did i hear a passer-by comment saying "maybe she has come to buy this bhoot-bangala".. i felt like screaming at her back saying this is no such bangala and this has gone through the same events which every other house goes through- children have played in this very verandah,kitchen used to be functioning in fullswing,many people have passed through thi very creeky gate which had guarded a household..the lost glory could no way be told to some ignorant junta.. i close my eyes retrospecting what went wrong and the the picture of the house which i remembered flashed through my mind .. it felt like it was only yesterday when i ahd packed my belongings for relocating to the US...everthing has a life time and this apparently has finished its... i walk back with a heavy heart ,wishing i could stop the passages of time and live forever .. in the present.....

dont hit me!!

after a short holiday for three months, i am glad to announce that i have resumed blogging once again .... i realised that its time to resume my once upon a time fav' pass time .. right now, i feel my life is infested with records of all kind that i get dreams about A4 sheets and spiral bound records!! my sem exams are round the corner and i havent yet bought half the books.. after seeing the farewell party of the current fourth years, i am yet again caught in the deja vu of being a third year.. i dont wanna go to fourth year!!! it jus seems like yesterday when i joined this college and burst out into tears.. yeah, the same august 24,2005!!to think, three years have passed by in the blink of an eyelid. god!! i miss those first year days!! life is really funny or is it jus me? i am forever in the want of something higher in life at the cost of my age. i am at a loss for words right now... it feels like this is my first post... wanting to write loads but not being able to pen down the thoughtts effectively... and i would like to dedicate this blog to muthu for insulting me enough to make me come here and put up another post. hurray!!!

after a long hiatus........

hullooooooo.... i know its been quite a while since i blogged. you can blame it on the way the" anna university" functions or simply, my laziness... so you might have been wondering on what the angelic devil had been upto these four months?? well, i was just busy with my semester exams and loads of other academic stuff... i finally finished writing my resume and i suddenly realised that i havent done anything worthy of or something which is could be proud of in these 19 years of existence.. i dint know what i should write in the extra-curricular activities column nor did i know what are my negatives and positives. In the end i just ended up magnifying the smallest thing which i had done and succeeded in giving this image of an avid blogger..lol..for instance, today i had a mock interview session with tcs and seriously shook the ground under my feet.. suddenly i am overwhelmed with the feeling of insignificance and i am desperately searching for a long time goal which i could proudly tell my interviewers about and what not... you could probably blame the society for the state which i am currently in.. cut-throat competition, the necessity to sell yourself as a produc,trying to sound candid at the same time not being out-spoken ... the perspective differs from person to person.. i am not sure whether every third year student is facing the same kind of turmoil which i am currently facing... i feel lost in the gloomy darkness of the " big, bad world" out their which has already engulfed me.. i seem to be transcending through realms ruled by chaos and confusion..to add to all these, i am currently reading this book called" the monk who sold his ferrari" ... this is loosely based on how a guy finds his soul and happiness a la alchemist story.. i guess thats all for now...see ya hopefully soon...

age factor

when i was in the first grade, i used to look wistfully at the fifth grade students wondering when i will be in that grade.when i finally did land up in the fifth grade, my eyes began to look at the middle school students and so it continued till my eyes were set on the twelfth people... i wondered when will people call me"akka" and ask for my help in their subjects. i wondred when i would be old enough to vote of get my driving license. the worst part is that when i did get my driving license, i dint experience any of the jubiliation which i had thought i would go through in my early years of my existence.the curious fact was that when i was in fifth, i regarded the tweflth students as being very old and when i myself, came to that position, i was this ever growing kid of my mummy..and when i thought my wishes will finally cease, i started thinking how good and better it would be when i enroll myself in college. and yes, the same nivya-syndrome started in the first year of my college too.. i wanted to be in the third year.. now that i have recently had my 19th birthday, i suddenly realize how old i have actually become.. i now realise what my mum meant by" enjoy your school days, they wont come back to you..." i now yearn to go back to ym school days which were seriously heaven.. now as the years roll by, i suddenly dont want to grow up and become that responsible person that everyone is expected to become at some point of time or the other.i dont want to go to the fourth year for i fear what will happen to me when i pass out of college...now , when i look back at the younger ones, i feel they are feeling the same thing which i myself faced... they want to be in my position and i, in theirs... i look at the school going kids wishing that i could go back to those days of playing on the streets and coming back with the soiled clothes..when i wanted to earn and be independent in fifth standard, people said that it can wait for few more years . now the same people are advising me on taking up a job whereas i am expecting the same old reassurance that it can wait for a few more years. the actual thought of working doesnt scare me as much as the thought of getting the tag line"she is ready for marriage". i have seen many females succumb to this plot woven by the parents. first settle in a job and then the bridegroom comes in search of you. i have nothing against the insstitution of marriage . its just that i feel it would be too much of burden and responsibility placed on my tender shoulders and i dont want to end up one in the millions of girls who end up marrying just because that was next in the agenda. in that sense, i feel i dont think like i am 20. the mind is still caught up in its innocence and its refusal to believe that the world has, indeed changed and its orthodox ways is making me a rebel..

wedding hues!!!

today was pretty eventful.. no electricity in the college, wearing a helmet for the first time and then hitting a cyclist(belive me, i havent hit anybody when i WASNT wearing a helmet), and then, attending a christian wedding!!! it is for the first time that i witnessed a christian wedding... i completely fell in love with thier white gown and the bridesmaid(esp.best man..lol)... the entire custom of dancing captivated everyone present there.. pity i coudnt dance because i dint have a partner...the wedding cake was sooo huge and the whole fan fare was pretty exciting. the only sore spot was that the bridegroom was a hindu and he had converted himself... well, no comments about that!!

engulfed....

i can see the mountains at a distance, the pristine peaks mocking at the human civilisation . i can see the stream gushing out from its source with such force that it makes the man take a step back on sighting it.the vineyards are doing brisk business as it is the time for harvest and yet another batch of colonial workers have descended in this particular work site.everything looks beautiful and serene.i am standing at the edge of the forest , very near the waters of the great river. the forest is rich in under growth with so many creepers and other such plant growth that i am not able to see the mud surface at all.i am so caught up with the activity going on in the neighbourhood that i fail to notice the creepers which are slowly getting entangled with my feet. i look down to see the creepers creeping resembling the sight of hundreds of snakes slithering menacingly towards their pray.i try to shift my feet but in vain. my feet seem to be stuck in glue. i am unable to move them and i glance at the people who are working near by. i realise that these creepers are present at their feet too and they are so much engrossed in their work that they fail to notice it. suddenly , i realised that the waters of the serene river were over flowing the banks and were moving at an alarming speed . i then realise that this is yet another revengeful act of the nature....

happyness...

happiness is one thing which can only be chased after... very true.. though i realised it pretty late ( after i watched the flick" the pursuit of happyness" precisely) in life, i feel that i am in a way better off now.. i know that i can never be happy and this realisation makes me happy...i guess this is just one of the vicious cycles present in nature.. melancholy, i stumbled upon by mistake and i allowed myself to be engulfed by the dull trenody of life..i guess study hols brings the best out of everybody... lol... i guess am growing crazier day by day... electromagnetic fields created hysterisis and this propagated a negative signal through the conducting medium ( a la the body) and i guess i cant continue it further for the simple fact that i dunno much about any of these subjects to continue.. lol... the only thing which keeps me going right now is the prospect of gettin one solid month as hols( i dunno how much of the rumour is true)...

RE WINDING THE TAPE...

have you ever pondered over what exactly have you acheived over the span of 20 years or whatever might be your age...i am not trying to prove the much proven fact that we atleast i havent achieved that much... my friends will sit and console me saying that i have indeed achieved a miniscule amount ... and if u constantly hear what my mum threatens me with, i bet you wont have the inner desire to strive for the best..am not saying that my mum is discouraging me..its just that she has made me see things in a new dimension and scale...the big question is:what will be the status quo if i dont study well????....well, you need not sit and think about it bcause my mum has already found an easy solution for that million dollar question....she finds me as a saleable ware which she is goin to market lucratively ...this is the case because ther are so many guys out there who dont mind if their wives have just rolled out of colelge and that makes it even more a difficult path for those gals who dont want to marry right after they finish college....frankly speaking, initially i was abashed..but later on, my mind got used to the concept and now i feel.. why not????...but there are umpteen number of conditions and so many if's and but's....but my perception of the whole thing is entirely difefrent from that of the society... i belive in equal rights and the pity is that half the guys think that marrying is gettin someone to do ur dirty dishes and make sure you get hot food wenever u come home.. and basically , a caretaker or in crude terms a baby sitter...now thats what drives me crazy... i am not the one who should be taken in taht manner..i absolutely abhor it..so now you can ask me what exactly i have been trying to convey through this post... i feel that i am as confused as ever and am more than confused now...adios

somewhere i belong...

in the recent past, i suddenly discovered the solitude which had been suppressed for a long time and had subsequently got buried deep within...i discovered peace when i least expected it...when u have time in your hands, all of a sudden your life comes to a halt and thats what happened in my case too...i began retrospecting which brought me nowhere near the truth for the truth is unknown even to me...this helped me concentrate on much more important stuff...

very long a road it is

the road is lined up with spruce trees on either side which makes me wonder in amazement about how great is nature..it creates the best of things yet doesn't take credit ...it also craetes enough problems for everybody to mourn about how bad it is... i take all these in my stride towards the unknown destination and my penchant for trouble hasn't yet deserted me for it knows that without the dash of that unpredictable devil, i would be forlorn... i turn back the clock and do a quick retrospection on the course of events which has taken a heavy toll in my life ...on one hand,my heart ponders over what has happened and it lingers over the unforgetable facts of life which has been forced upon me.. on the other, my mind tells me to come out of what has happened and tells me to concentrate on what more is to come in the near future...the heart aches for known reaons and also for the unknown ...people desert you when you need them the most and they turn up to complicate the stuff which is already complicated enough on its own...what i gathered out of everything is that never give up in life for you never know what is going to happen the next minute...may be you may win a jackpot or in the worser aspect, you might meet with an accident...whatever happens, just remember that u have just one life to live and live that to the max level...adios