Friday, February 27, 2009


i met her first five years back.she was a baby then and is still to some extent.we shared more than a few laughs and every morning,afternoon and night was spent in the bliss of innocence and ignorance.we basked together in the sunshine as if we had been shut in complete darkness till place was left unvisited,no trick untried,life went on at a rapid pace as if there was no tomorrow.thoughts,feelings,treasured memories of childhood came to be shared between the two of us and the little,cherished or unhappy situations spun an invisible thread of closeness .between the two of us, nothing was left to be unravelled.days passed,misunderstandings started to crop up.distance made the hearts yearn for each other and when brought closer,began to spew fire and venom. the souls started to drift apart.the collosal damage was sensed at both the ends.ego,taking things for granted,complacent attitude lent support to the situation.from somehwere,there came another soul with the hope of finding a new light,like a firefly attracted to the source of light with full joy and curiosity of the unknown.the sheer sense of loneliness and boredom drove these together.the river changed its course and the old course started to dry.the civilisations which once flourished on the banks started to disappear.the numbers started to dwindle.the able moved for better places in search of livelihood. a sense of anticipation and anguish spread through them. the collapse of the known and the lack of knowledge of the unknown sent a chill across their spines.not the type of dwelling too much in the past,they were grateful for the happy times spent. they moved was then that they concluded:it was the end of an era...

Thursday, February 19, 2009


she read so many novels that she ended up losing her mind. she had people call her ayvin(her real name was atidevin):she thought she was a princess(she was a peasant's daughter),she imagined herself to be yound and beautiful(she was forty years old).finally she invented a lover herself to whom she gave the name don quixote .she said don quixote had departed for far away kingdoms in search of adventures and danger,both to perform worthy deeds and to be able, on his return, to marry a damsel of her noble character.she spent all the time peering out of the window waiting for the return of the nonexistent knight.ayrus, a poor devil who loved her,struck on the diea of passing himself as don quixote.he put on an old suit of armour,mounted his horse and set forth to repeat the deeds which ayvin attributed to her lover.when sure of success of his strategy, he returned back to the town;ayvin had died

making the sad happy

you're bound to think i am a liar:but i've never felt happy.i dont know what happiness means. as far back as i can remember i've never known what it is like.i smile, of course,but without joy.i feel absolutely nothing,not even sadness.i just smile.
people often ask me," how do you manage to smile, then?" i have to admit that i dont' know.what happens usually is that i'm with a group of friends and there's plenty of amusement.since i am absent minded i very soon forget about it.when i think about it again, the group is gone.
does this mean i smile under hynosis,in some kind of dissociated state?certainly not. io said that this usually happens.but not always.sometimes i rememebr that the smile is plastered on my face.but that doesnt stop me from smiling all the same.
naturally, i've tried having a long face.but that didnt work.i got sadder and sadder. i gave up just in time. a little loner i would have died of self imposed misery without knowing it.this experience frightened me so much that i now smile all the time.that way i dont smile looks genuine and i have to keep the machine going .for other people,sadness provides a warning:since i am deprived of it i have to be doubly i said earlier am absent forget would be fatal.i prefer to smile all the time: its safer.i realise too that wheb i dont smile i become nervous and irritable, and dont know what to do about it. in the streets, i am frequently accosted by less fortunate people dressed in rags.they gaze at me with fever-bright eyes and stammer"we're misrable" i look at them with hatred.they eat only a crust of bread every month and they are happy at that time.happy are you? i say to them nastily "you're lucky".

sobs rattle their throats.shudders wrack them.eventually they more off with slow hesitant for me,i go to the nearest laughter club i see.will the miracle occur? my heart beats fast as i give the first smile.a terrible despair overwhelms me. nothing.nothing at happiness.i take revenge by laughing out loud,like someone drowning thier sorrow in drink.
i leave the club weighed down with food and hatred.for i'm becoming bitter.i'm beginning to detest other people,people who are happy.i hate them.after all, thinking about people who are sad while i'm smiling is the only pleasure left to me!