final countdown

august 24,2005-8:30am - reporting time in the auditorium for the orientation. i look around for some known faces and feel disappointed.the quantum jump from school to college scared the shit out of me.the only thought that was constantly running in my mind was when will the great year"2009" come? semesters rolled by.never a day has passed when i hadnt wanted to sit in the final year classroom and be done with this whole mess... now that am finally in fourth year and when i look back, the memories try to flood me and instigate a mixed feeling in me. the few happy memories(being very less in number) come to my mind first.these tend to dislodge the unhappy and unpleasant ones from the rugged stretch of land. recently on the last day of college, i just walked out of my class at the end of the day.. the short walk from my class encompassed the passage through my second year classroom and my eyes sat on the third year room as well..call it self pity or deja vu or nostalgia, i am very confused on this! the endless times when i have hated the class and the teachers,the endless punishments and fines... i must be really getting old for instead of some deep resentment which i should rightfully be feeling, i have somehow developed a sense of peace and forgiveness!lol i know this sounds very philosophical but thats the truth. i have accepted few things in life and realised that fighting against them would be like tryin to hold tight to the sand in the palm. the minute you realise it isnt possible and relax, it automatically stays in your hand! i guess this is what they call as with age comes wisdom. i sure seem to have found mine! sure, this is not how i wanted it to be but this is what i got. so why not try to accept the fact rather than fight against the odds when the whole ordeal is actually over?mind you, i am not a hypocrite to say that i miss college but i am not a masochist either! whats the point?

closure

i met her first five years back.she was a baby then and is still to some extent.we shared more than a few laughs and every morning,afternoon and night was spent in the bliss of innocence and ignorance.we basked together in the sunshine as if we had been shut in complete darkness till then.no place was left unvisited,no trick untried,life went on at a rapid pace as if there was no tomorrow.thoughts,feelings,treasured memories of childhood came to be shared between the two of us and the little,cherished or unhappy situations spun an invisible thread of closeness .between the two of us, nothing was left to be unravelled.days passed,misunderstandings started to crop up.distance made the hearts yearn for each other and when brought closer,began to spew fire and venom. the souls started to drift apart.the collosal damage was sensed at both the ends.ego,taking things for granted,complacent attitude lent support to the situation.from somehwere,there came another soul with the hope of finding a new light,like a firefly attracted to the source of light with full joy and curiosity of the unknown.the sheer sense of loneliness and boredom drove these together.the river changed its course and the old course started to dry.the civilisations which once flourished on the banks started to disappear.the numbers started to dwindle.the able moved for better places in search of livelihood. a sense of anticipation and anguish spread through them. the collapse of the known and the lack of knowledge of the unknown sent a chill across their spines.not the type of dwelling too much in the past,they were grateful for the happy times spent. they moved on.it was then that they concluded:it was the end of an era...

atidevin

she read so many novels that she ended up losing her mind. she had people call her ayvin(her real name was atidevin):she thought she was a princess(she was a peasant's daughter),she imagined herself to be yound and beautiful(she was forty years old).finally she invented a lover herself to whom she gave the name don quixote .she said don quixote had departed for far away kingdoms in search of adventures and danger,both to perform worthy deeds and to be able, on his return, to marry a damsel of her noble character.she spent all the time peering out of the window waiting for the return of the nonexistent knight.ayrus, a poor devil who loved her,struck on the diea of passing himself as don quixote.he put on an old suit of armour,mounted his horse and set forth to repeat the deeds which ayvin attributed to her lover.when sure of success of his strategy, he returned back to the town;ayvin had died

making the sad happy

you're bound to think i am a liar:but i've never felt happy.i dont know what happiness means. as far back as i can remember i've never known what it is like.i smile, of course,but without joy.i feel absolutely nothing,not even sadness.i just smile.
people often ask me," how do you manage to smile, then?" i have to admit that i dont' know.what happens usually is that i'm with a group of friends and there's plenty of amusement.since i am absent minded i very soon forget about it.when i think about it again, the group is gone.
does this mean i smile under hynosis,in some kind of dissociated state?certainly not. io said that this usually happens.but not always.sometimes i rememebr that the smile is plastered on my face.but that doesnt stop me from smiling all the same.
naturally, i've tried having a long face.but that didnt work.i got sadder and sadder. i gave up just in time. a little loner i would have died of self imposed misery without knowing it.this experience frightened me so much that i now smile all the time.that way i dont worry.my smile looks genuine and i have to keep the machine going .for other people,sadness provides a warning:since i am deprived of it i have to be doubly careful.as i said earlier am absent minded.to forget would be fatal.i prefer to smile all the time: its safer.i realise too that wheb i dont smile i become nervous and irritable, and dont know what to do about it. in the streets, i am frequently accosted by less fortunate people dressed in rags.they gaze at me with fever-bright eyes and stammer"we're misrable" i look at them with hatred.they eat only a crust of bread every month and they are happy at that time.happy are you? i say to them nastily "you're lucky".

sobs rattle their throats.shudders wrack them.eventually they more off with slow hesitant steps.as for me,i go to the nearest laughter club i see.will the miracle occur? my heart beats fast as i give the first smile.a terrible despair overwhelms me. nothing.nothing at all.no happiness.i take revenge by laughing out loud,like someone drowning thier sorrow in drink.
i leave the club weighed down with food and hatred.for i'm becoming bitter.i'm beginning to detest other people,people who are happy.i hate them.after all, thinking about people who are sad while i'm smiling is the only pleasure left to me!

soul stirring

following is the list of my all time favourites which i felt should definitely be mentioned over here

1)one of my personal favourites in the melody section is the song"yamunai aatrile" from thalapathy. what a woman! shobhana looks absolutely gorgeous and the song is so so nice. i like the lighting also in that song.the sunset fits in perfectly

2)netru illatha madham from pudhu mugam reason: the high pitch and the lyrics esp lines like" gangai neerun suvai kadhalum serum varai kavidhai variyun suvai artham puriyum varai " these might look simple yet make sense.

3) another song from the same movie is kannuku mai azhagu. i prefer the male version better .

4) pogathe song from deepavali under yuvan's composition

5) athangara maname song though am still not sure which movie this one was featured in but i seriously like mano's energy in this duet.

6) if english was considered then the " its only words" by the now nonexistent boyzone can be included.

7)pudhu velai mazhai from roja. i like the picturisation too :P

the list goes on but these are the few which came to my mind now .feel free to add more :D

crazy life

final year project!!! these words might send a chill acroos many a spine but it seems to have absolutely no effect on this angelic devil! damn arrogant statement, i know! i have finally understood how a s/w employee goes about his work- clocking in nine and half hrs of work everyday,morning and evening one mug of tea,browsing through all the websites which dnt get blocked,realising that he has few tasks to be completed at 4 in the evening and staying at office till 9 (psst: we being gals.. dunno abt the guys though) .well, these are all few excerpts from my life in visteon... and i hope the list continues in the next post ;)

welcomin yet another yr

finally i have grown up!! this year i decided i am not going to make any resolution as making is tough and sticking to them is tougher. i myself have got bored of forever wishing that my room should be clean enough,blah blah.. i guess this is what they call with age comes wisdom.. lol!but still i had a blast !! and started it off with a whacky thing. i am not gonna promise the whole world that i will henceforth take bloggin seriousl as ths is the nth time i am tellin that to myself.. happy new yr guys!!