one mistake of my life

everybody commits mistakes..the gravity of the situation depends on how many years you sit and repent for it. i have committed few knowingly and others attached to a single one came and stuck me like a boomerang... one thing led to another and in the end, to cover up a single mistake i ended up in deep shit..some of my mistakes have been done with too much of foresight and hindsight probings.. i ended up eating my own words. one such thing is joining an engineering college. there is this illusion in any twelfth grade student that an engineering degree is far better than an arts and science(no offence at arts and science).. i too had this problem.. after four years, i feel it is the same shit or sometimes i feel arts would have been a better option.. another realisation was that no matter which college which you study in, its all the same last minute studies before the sems and anna university is one of the biggest hypocritic university i have ever seen. not only does it spoon feed its own students,it screws up the correction of the rest of the colleges and gives rankings based on absolute false data.to be frank, i dont think any sort of knowledge has managed to seep in through my hard skull and thank goodness, none of my sanity slipped the other way too! the reason for this post is that yesterday happened to be my final day in college. i saw groups of people standing here and there lost in feelings and attachment towards the institution..i was as usual in two minds.. whther to stand and act like a hypocrite or just walk off because this is precisely the day i have been wishing for for the last 4 years and there is no point in feeling sad when D-Day finally arrives..after few seconds, i felt ashamed that i even thought of staying back.. lol.. thats how life is. the thing which u hate the most somehow comes back to you at some point of time or the other. never in my wildest dreams had i dreamt of doing my major in electronics when i had left the whole chapter in twelfth jus because i couldnt stand the same.. the only college against which i had reservations for joining in the list of 230 odd colleges, happens to be awarding me the much coveted graduation certificate.i cant make head or tail of accounts and calculas and yet again, these are the ones i am going to be studyin the next two years.. should i say its the irony of life?? forever wishing for the road not taken?

angel on the prowl

yesterday turned out to be an eventful day.. after a long time actually.. it was my class teacher's reception and that by itself wasnt an interesting affair barring the whistles and hoots which made the gentleman on the stage blush and hide his face(he being the class teacher.. lol).. the journey to that place was totally fun.. foremost it involved a travel by the local electric train or the MRTS as it is called( i guess.. nt sure).getting into the train during the peak hour, fallin either side when it starts to leave the station,giggling and talking loudly as if its my college train,the excitement and the anxiety about not boarding the "first class compartments"..for the first time, i found out yday that it is called 9-car or 8-car and the ladies compartments are at the ends .. anyways, its never too late to learn few things ;) .. adding on to the list, is the ability to stand in a rocking train with a 2 inch heels.. from pallavaram(that was wher the reception was happenning), we took an auto.. this part wasnt all that exciting except our talk with the automan on the price rise issue.. he was grumbling about tea being sold at rs.4!! and we asked him about the cost of the vada and how many vadas does he eat??well, we always ask too many questions outside the class!! the return journey was the one which was truly memorable.. i have never ever been at such a distant place at 9'45 in the night.. never have purposely got wet in the rain at a station, stood shivering in the dark(there was a power cut) waiting for the train to arrive..and driving in the rain at10'30.. absolutely heavenly..on the whole, it was a nice time with friends and the public transport system.. i know regular commuters must be cursing me saying it isnt all that fun when u have to travel everyday.. who cares? i enjoyed it!
PS: the food was pathetic there.. i jus had 2 ice creams for dinner :(

accidental blogger

what started out as a boring time-pass or as a means for practising writing skills for my english paper(LOL) has moulded and changed its form appreciably! i am not a frequent blogger.. am far from active in this blogging circle.i write nonsense for fun and i unload my miseries because i get the satisfaction.i dont write posts hoping for few comments in the comments section.i write when i feel like it and this gives me even more pleasure because i am in control of what i do.. as simple as that.. the reason why i decided to pen this post is as simple as what i have been tellin from the starting.. i wanted a post so i am scribbling!! dont u think u shud vote for this post being the most scribbled one ?? :P

final countdown

august 24,2005-8:30am - reporting time in the auditorium for the orientation. i look around for some known faces and feel disappointed.the quantum jump from school to college scared the shit out of me.the only thought that was constantly running in my mind was when will the great year"2009" come? semesters rolled by.never a day has passed when i hadnt wanted to sit in the final year classroom and be done with this whole mess... now that am finally in fourth year and when i look back, the memories try to flood me and instigate a mixed feeling in me. the few happy memories(being very less in number) come to my mind first.these tend to dislodge the unhappy and unpleasant ones from the rugged stretch of land. recently on the last day of college, i just walked out of my class at the end of the day.. the short walk from my class encompassed the passage through my second year classroom and my eyes sat on the third year room as well..call it self pity or deja vu or nostalgia, i am very confused on this! the endless times when i have hated the class and the teachers,the endless punishments and fines... i must be really getting old for instead of some deep resentment which i should rightfully be feeling, i have somehow developed a sense of peace and forgiveness!lol i know this sounds very philosophical but thats the truth. i have accepted few things in life and realised that fighting against them would be like tryin to hold tight to the sand in the palm. the minute you realise it isnt possible and relax, it automatically stays in your hand! i guess this is what they call as with age comes wisdom. i sure seem to have found mine! sure, this is not how i wanted it to be but this is what i got. so why not try to accept the fact rather than fight against the odds when the whole ordeal is actually over?mind you, i am not a hypocrite to say that i miss college but i am not a masochist either! whats the point?

closure

i met her first five years back.she was a baby then and is still to some extent.we shared more than a few laughs and every morning,afternoon and night was spent in the bliss of innocence and ignorance.we basked together in the sunshine as if we had been shut in complete darkness till then.no place was left unvisited,no trick untried,life went on at a rapid pace as if there was no tomorrow.thoughts,feelings,treasured memories of childhood came to be shared between the two of us and the little,cherished or unhappy situations spun an invisible thread of closeness .between the two of us, nothing was left to be unravelled.days passed,misunderstandings started to crop up.distance made the hearts yearn for each other and when brought closer,began to spew fire and venom. the souls started to drift apart.the collosal damage was sensed at both the ends.ego,taking things for granted,complacent attitude lent support to the situation.from somehwere,there came another soul with the hope of finding a new light,like a firefly attracted to the source of light with full joy and curiosity of the unknown.the sheer sense of loneliness and boredom drove these together.the river changed its course and the old course started to dry.the civilisations which once flourished on the banks started to disappear.the numbers started to dwindle.the able moved for better places in search of livelihood. a sense of anticipation and anguish spread through them. the collapse of the known and the lack of knowledge of the unknown sent a chill across their spines.not the type of dwelling too much in the past,they were grateful for the happy times spent. they moved on.it was then that they concluded:it was the end of an era...

atidevin

she read so many novels that she ended up losing her mind. she had people call her ayvin(her real name was atidevin):she thought she was a princess(she was a peasant's daughter),she imagined herself to be yound and beautiful(she was forty years old).finally she invented a lover herself to whom she gave the name don quixote .she said don quixote had departed for far away kingdoms in search of adventures and danger,both to perform worthy deeds and to be able, on his return, to marry a damsel of her noble character.she spent all the time peering out of the window waiting for the return of the nonexistent knight.ayrus, a poor devil who loved her,struck on the diea of passing himself as don quixote.he put on an old suit of armour,mounted his horse and set forth to repeat the deeds which ayvin attributed to her lover.when sure of success of his strategy, he returned back to the town;ayvin had died

making the sad happy

you're bound to think i am a liar:but i've never felt happy.i dont know what happiness means. as far back as i can remember i've never known what it is like.i smile, of course,but without joy.i feel absolutely nothing,not even sadness.i just smile.
people often ask me," how do you manage to smile, then?" i have to admit that i dont' know.what happens usually is that i'm with a group of friends and there's plenty of amusement.since i am absent minded i very soon forget about it.when i think about it again, the group is gone.
does this mean i smile under hynosis,in some kind of dissociated state?certainly not. io said that this usually happens.but not always.sometimes i rememebr that the smile is plastered on my face.but that doesnt stop me from smiling all the same.
naturally, i've tried having a long face.but that didnt work.i got sadder and sadder. i gave up just in time. a little loner i would have died of self imposed misery without knowing it.this experience frightened me so much that i now smile all the time.that way i dont worry.my smile looks genuine and i have to keep the machine going .for other people,sadness provides a warning:since i am deprived of it i have to be doubly careful.as i said earlier am absent minded.to forget would be fatal.i prefer to smile all the time: its safer.i realise too that wheb i dont smile i become nervous and irritable, and dont know what to do about it. in the streets, i am frequently accosted by less fortunate people dressed in rags.they gaze at me with fever-bright eyes and stammer"we're misrable" i look at them with hatred.they eat only a crust of bread every month and they are happy at that time.happy are you? i say to them nastily "you're lucky".

sobs rattle their throats.shudders wrack them.eventually they more off with slow hesitant steps.as for me,i go to the nearest laughter club i see.will the miracle occur? my heart beats fast as i give the first smile.a terrible despair overwhelms me. nothing.nothing at all.no happiness.i take revenge by laughing out loud,like someone drowning thier sorrow in drink.
i leave the club weighed down with food and hatred.for i'm becoming bitter.i'm beginning to detest other people,people who are happy.i hate them.after all, thinking about people who are sad while i'm smiling is the only pleasure left to me!