ups and downs

It joins you in your joy but not when you are sad.

It is always like that and you have to accept it,

Or your life like a useless candle will never be lit.

When I look into the pages of my past again,

I know it has always been the cause of my pain.

In my sadness it made me just sadder,

And it pretended to be my success ladder.

It is to be blamed for what I am today,

I am today called mad and kept away.

As a play toy I was tossed and turned in the hands of fate,

At the same time experiencing both love and hate.

And when it came to naming my misery,

People called it a mere game of destiny.

I was told to live with what I had,

Even if my condition was pathetic and bad

I was left to myself all alone,

Out from the society I was thrown.

Like an unlucky animal or some filthy creature,

In front of me I could see my uncertain future.

I then realized that there was no use crying,

No one would look up even if I was dying.

So I revolted; but the world proved me mad,

It was then I concluded that the world was bad.

achille's heel

every morning is yet another morning. every hurried bite of hard bread with the cheapest butter constitutes yet another breakfast. never ending classes which are enough to send anyone crazy and mad happen everyday. this monotony brings in a quest for something more, something which will offset everything else faced till now, something without which you can go through this mundane life,something which is ever blooming amidst dark scenario,something without which you can not live...even if this " something" exists for a very short duration, it is worth the wait...

typical B school syndrome

one thing which i learnt after coming to a B school is that things are not what they are thought to be. after sometime, everyone here starts questioning why at all did they come here in the first place? some realise it in the first 4 months itself, some take one year..be it an experienced person or a fresher, MBA is not what it looks like from outside. everyone here is driven by a manifested,mirage goal of outsmarting the other person. no person is the same after a stint in a B school. even the most innocent creature is transformed into someone who is manipulative and extremely opportunistic. its not that there is cut throat competition. i would say there is a cut throat competition on whom next to stab from behind.you cannot blame them. thats how it is. you cannot take people for their face value and you often end up testing a genuine product for a long time and believing a faulty product at the first instant. life teaches you to beware the second time but it doesnt teach you when or with whom should you beware about.life teaches you that you have to be able to self sustain and come what may, do not ever depend on anyone because you will only be let down if they dont live upto your expectation. life teaches you to cover up your emotional self in order to live like yet another MBA grad trying to outsmart the rest. what life doesnt teach is how to cope up with blind accusations against you about not caring for the other person enough. life doesnt teach you how you can convince yourself that the drama which everyone is trying to act is actually not worth it. this is one drama in which everyone wants to be the hero and the heroine. people are confused on what they actually want. they want normal friends, friends like how they had before they joined here. at the same time, they try to convince themselves that they are not here to make friends. everyone here has come with a purpose, a goal of getting a fat salary and family, society teaches you to do everything under your control to reach your own goal. the point of conflict arises when they want others to be the way they were before they joined and they want themselves to be the way they aspire to be. to add to the confusion, people outside, the ones who are still stuck to the mirage about MBA feel that you have changed. nobody understands that you are yet another mouse caught in the giant mouse trap trying to catch the food without getting trapped.life is funny. you do everything to get it and when you actually get it, you no longer want it in earnest...

tracing the way back

sometimes we get sad when a person close to us decides to move away or is bound by the fangs of life which makes he/she move away ...missing the other person starts even when she hasnt really moved out of the life as yet.. i am one of those persons who sits and preaches saying distance doesnt matter and it still is possible to stay in contact with any person across the globe... the point of differentiation comes when i realise that staying in contact and really being there for your friend. some people dole out philosophies saying when you lose something, it just means you will get a replacement of the same kind in the near future.. when you lose a friends, u will get another one in the new place or someone whom you would have never considered before might become closer to you..in times like this, it would be better to concentrate on what we really want in life.. the beautiful nest with small birds at the top of the tree or the branches and twigs which helped us in reaching the nest..if you become attached to the branch, you will never reach the nest for the fear of leaving the branch behind.. does it mean you are opportunistic or does it mean you forget people who have helped you at some point of life? nope, it just means you have a far more purposeful goal in your life and those who have helped you would be more happy to see you achieve yours than to see your failure due to the impedement caused by them...when you are in near the nest, you obviously have the whole tree to yourself.. its like eating the cake and having it too.. its about deciding when to stop eating and start keeping it...people who understand this would not shed their twigs due to sorrow but would be like the eternal spring,full of bloom and joy...only when you are alone, you realise how nice it is to be alone.. this realisation doesnt make you a lesser socialite or a recluse.. it means something... you are at peace with yourself...

dream journey- 2

the sun cast a golden glow on the skyline. the clouds were trimmed with golden lace which was shimmering up in the sky. the sun which now has been mellowed down looked down with remorse casting a glow on the dusky skinned mortals.the silky cushions on the balcony appealed to the senses and instigated a breeze of romance. the sky was vivid with hues of orange, chrome and a golden shade of yellow. i looked at his face, the eyebrows highlighted by a beam of the setting sun, the hues reflected in the mischievous eyes holding promise for something exotic to come in the future. one side of the face soaked in the warmth of the sun while the other one sprinkled with the mysterious night bringing with it the coolness and the sensual ecstasy. he smiled which sent a deep geyser shoot up from the deep pits of my stomach . fingers interlinked, he gazed deeply into my eyes looking for some encouragement and some incentives. i sensed the paradigm shift from the gazing sun to the pleasantness of the night. the land had cooled down and the lights lit the city jubiliantly. standing on the twentieth flow, i was wrapped up in a gentle blanket of the night breeze blowing from the distant sea.a teasing smile lit my face which provided him ample encouragement to carry the show forward. he stood up, making me look up in admiration at the sheer power of height and the broad framework. a shiver of anticipation and delight ran up my spine. he led me in gently. the night has just begun...

mba jargon

few mundane facts came and hit me on the face. reason- two months into a B-school...few taken for granted things have become luxury goods...

1. seeing my colgate active salt toothpaste sends the colgate-palmolive's positioning and targeting strategies flying in my mind.
2. i just happened to fiddle with my strawberry lip balm and the artistic U of HUL came in my sight. a wave of their lifebuoy campaign for the rural India touched my shore of thought.
3. wrhen i saw the latest aircel advertisement, for once i thougt beyond surya and jothika.. i noticed whom they are appealing to and what regional connotations are present in the two minute ad which ranges from paniyaram( a south indian delicacy) to the posh setting of the house. the context of jothika being a house wife with a gal kid was brought forward well to connect the real and reel life..
4. magazines have started having a new meaning to them.. they have extended their horizon, moving beyond the filmfares and the stardusts.. now they mean business india,pitch,forbes
5. the gossip column has given way to the bull-dozing of the economic times..
6. ACs, sofa,four poster beds have become luxury goods which has put me in a different socio-economic class altogether.
7. seeing the dawn has become an accepted fact. good news- i am able to contact my US cousins and friends a lot easier.. there is no time difference..
8. a visit to the super market makes me think about the supply chain difficulties and the farm procurement of the firm
9. a cream biscuit triggers a train of thoughts about the points of parity and points of difference of the particular brand and which segment are they focussing on
10. previously people used to call me jus observant and finicky about details, i redefine it as "brand awareness" and call myself an" intelligent customer" :P
    
11. 
    

smile

why do people think that when a person smiles, he/she is very happy and if at all, they are quiet, they are sad... why cant they be in deep thoughts regarding something serious or anything for that matter...why cant they think that a smiling person is not necessarily happy and a quiet person is not an unhappy person...what is it with a smile?

time

a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to get, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to rend, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time of war, and a time to peace...

passion

passion makes a person stop eating,sleeping,working, feeling at peace. a lot of people are frightened because when it appears, it demolishes all the old things it finds in its path.
no one wants their life thrown into chaos.that is why a lot of people keep that threat under control,and are somehow capable of sustaining a house or a structure that is already rotten. they are the engineers of the superseded.
other people think exactly the opposite:they, surrender themselves without a second thought,hoping to find in passion the solutions to all their problems.they make the other person responsible for their happiness and blame them for their possible unhappiness.they are either euphoric because something marvellous has happened or depressed because something unexpected has just ruined everything.
keeping passion at bay or surrendering blindly to it -which of these two attitudes is the least destructive?
I DONT KNOW

dead

when a person walks out on you or is no longer part of your life, you feel an emptiness compassing you.things which you took granted for have been taken away from you.your mind asks you few tricky questions like do you really miss that individual as a person or just for familiarity sake? have you got so used to the person that you are scared to venture out and look beyond .is it that the sun sets and rises on that person that the others are forever caught in the shadows.do the shadows at times grow larger than the person and we fail to realise the intensity of the situation.is the compatibility or the closeness which one felt and associated himself/herself with disappear over night.the truth is its none of these. you know the truth and your mind is trying to cast a shadow over what the heart says which invariably is true. crafty it is in convincing or creating problems out of simply issues that finally, at the end of the day, only the problems stay and not the heart. you start looking at things from a different perspective at a distance and like people normally say-close people always fight and have misunderstandings because they are so close to see the normalities.crying and bringing the roof down doesnt work..its either black or white. there is no space for shades of gray. only when you lose something, will you really realise how much you loved it when it was present. how much it meant to you and how much of your peace was dependent on it.

PS: the whole write up is about my fastrack watch :P

back to school!!!

business school!! what is a fresher with no hands on experience about the big,bad wolf doing here? no clue...nice..yes...intellectual..hmmm,yes..so much that it sometimes goes above my head... i thought of changing my stream from engineering to management cause being an engineer dint seem to give me any authority to take decisions or implement my views..after attending few hr sessions, i feel its the same bakwaas.. interaction,networking,blah,blah(no offence).. what are we tryin to achieve from a manager? why are we trying to cast everyone in the same mould??be diplomatic,socialise,accept other's decision,open yur mind...so on...in the whole process, i jus feel we lose contact with what we are down at heart.. for some people like me,its fine.. i do talk to a lot of people but couple of my friends find it weird to introduce and strike up a conversation jus for the ehck of it.. the best comedy is the hr people emphasising on their subjects being the key to success and the marketnng guru cuming up with innovative abuses to insult them for doing nothing other than talking...i am not biased agianst that race.. i am again caught between them... when in maths class,seeing probability... i feel i am more of a talking person like hr...hee.. when caught in an hr session,when i see the prof bring up a fake laugh and pretend to be so amiable(mayb she actually is but i always get this feeling hrs r nt to be taken for face value),i feel i am more of this brainy female... yet to decide what i am...

romantic treat!

the last sunday was the best sunday i have had in the recent past...it was a typical lazy day..enough food at disposal and a very comfortable sofa to lounge in and three movies back to back on the tv.. ddlj(dilwale dulhaniya le jayenge),kkhh(kuch kuch hota hai) and knph(kaho na pyaar hai)... they made my day.. nothing to beat shah rukh and his chemistry with kajol.. man, they rock!!

vexed

the situation seemed to get out of hand.. it encompassed all the tumultous feeelings any human being could have possibly felt in his life.a deep sense of anguish set in the pits of my stomach.. a situation, a scene which i dreaded the most seemed to be unfolding its deep,crumpled layers right in front of me.. a premonition which started killing the spirit in me before the actual happening... i started feeling claustrophobic.. the obstinate mule in me started kicking and fighting with the setting resentment and self-pity.. its beautiful lock of hair seemed to be jubiliant .. torn between the internal bleeding and external fighting, i stood watching,mesmerised and with reflexes frozen..the brain tried to protect the mule from getting hurt as the external forces tried to wash away the resentment,outwardly looking as a pacification mechanism but modelled as a trojan horse for growing fear and misery... the wave was black in color with deep yellow and red hues..green did make a presence by riding the crescendo and nullifying the foreboding nature of black.. white was the color which was scarce in the engulfing nightmare.the mule, brave the animal it was couldnt withstand the initial onslaught and staggered on its four strong but trembling legs.. the water reached its hooves..they were stuck to the ground unable to shake the reality and by this time, the water level increased by a foot.. it looked around for some help... everything seemed to be shrouded with darkness and an evil atmosphere seemed to have set in..in the middle of the darkness, a trembling and feeble light seemed to exist at a distance.. it focussed on that light, the saviour of the troubled and helpless..the more and more it saw the light, it seemed to grow bigger and brighter by sight.. waves left unnoticed, the mule was enamoured by the light and it felt a rush of adrenalin in its body.. a sense of power which had deserted it earlier seemed to have come home.. a tiny euphoric feeling passed through it body and with much renewed vigour, it kicked its legs, no longer stuck to the ground.. it started running..its only goal was to find the source of light.. galloping it did.. the more it moved closer to the light,its appearance got transformed.. in the place of a dark mule, was a shining aristocratic unicorn..the character and the purpose neither faltered no disappeared..the light started changing its form..a minute before it looked as majestic as the sun..with the blink of an eye, it was replaced by the cool and complacent attitude trade-mark of the moon.. whatever was the source, the black wave finally seemed to receed and soon became bottled up like a pandora's box.. full of miseries and sufferings bottled up waiting for its next turn..the unicorn suddenly became confused.. it was far away from its mark and the light suddenly seemed like a mirage,an oasis in the desert but only difference was the desert was huge and vast.. it stood royally in the middle looking at all directions for the oasis seemed to have disappeared.. it waited for it to re-appear patiently at first with growing signs of fear.. the fear of the known was unknown to it..it stood waiting for some familiar surroundings and it is waiting...

one mistake of my life

everybody commits mistakes..the gravity of the situation depends on how many years you sit and repent for it. i have committed few knowingly and others attached to a single one came and stuck me like a boomerang... one thing led to another and in the end, to cover up a single mistake i ended up in deep shit..some of my mistakes have been done with too much of foresight and hindsight probings.. i ended up eating my own words. one such thing is joining an engineering college. there is this illusion in any twelfth grade student that an engineering degree is far better than an arts and science(no offence at arts and science).. i too had this problem.. after four years, i feel it is the same shit or sometimes i feel arts would have been a better option.. another realisation was that no matter which college which you study in, its all the same last minute studies before the sems and anna university is one of the biggest hypocritic university i have ever seen. not only does it spoon feed its own students,it screws up the correction of the rest of the colleges and gives rankings based on absolute false data.to be frank, i dont think any sort of knowledge has managed to seep in through my hard skull and thank goodness, none of my sanity slipped the other way too! the reason for this post is that yesterday happened to be my final day in college. i saw groups of people standing here and there lost in feelings and attachment towards the institution..i was as usual in two minds.. whther to stand and act like a hypocrite or just walk off because this is precisely the day i have been wishing for for the last 4 years and there is no point in feeling sad when D-Day finally arrives..after few seconds, i felt ashamed that i even thought of staying back.. lol.. thats how life is. the thing which u hate the most somehow comes back to you at some point of time or the other. never in my wildest dreams had i dreamt of doing my major in electronics when i had left the whole chapter in twelfth jus because i couldnt stand the same.. the only college against which i had reservations for joining in the list of 230 odd colleges, happens to be awarding me the much coveted graduation certificate.i cant make head or tail of accounts and calculas and yet again, these are the ones i am going to be studyin the next two years.. should i say its the irony of life?? forever wishing for the road not taken?

angel on the prowl

yesterday turned out to be an eventful day.. after a long time actually.. it was my class teacher's reception and that by itself wasnt an interesting affair barring the whistles and hoots which made the gentleman on the stage blush and hide his face(he being the class teacher.. lol).. the journey to that place was totally fun.. foremost it involved a travel by the local electric train or the MRTS as it is called( i guess.. nt sure).getting into the train during the peak hour, fallin either side when it starts to leave the station,giggling and talking loudly as if its my college train,the excitement and the anxiety about not boarding the "first class compartments"..for the first time, i found out yday that it is called 9-car or 8-car and the ladies compartments are at the ends .. anyways, its never too late to learn few things ;) .. adding on to the list, is the ability to stand in a rocking train with a 2 inch heels.. from pallavaram(that was wher the reception was happenning), we took an auto.. this part wasnt all that exciting except our talk with the automan on the price rise issue.. he was grumbling about tea being sold at rs.4!! and we asked him about the cost of the vada and how many vadas does he eat??well, we always ask too many questions outside the class!! the return journey was the one which was truly memorable.. i have never ever been at such a distant place at 9'45 in the night.. never have purposely got wet in the rain at a station, stood shivering in the dark(there was a power cut) waiting for the train to arrive..and driving in the rain at10'30.. absolutely heavenly..on the whole, it was a nice time with friends and the public transport system.. i know regular commuters must be cursing me saying it isnt all that fun when u have to travel everyday.. who cares? i enjoyed it!
PS: the food was pathetic there.. i jus had 2 ice creams for dinner :(

accidental blogger

what started out as a boring time-pass or as a means for practising writing skills for my english paper(LOL) has moulded and changed its form appreciably! i am not a frequent blogger.. am far from active in this blogging circle.i write nonsense for fun and i unload my miseries because i get the satisfaction.i dont write posts hoping for few comments in the comments section.i write when i feel like it and this gives me even more pleasure because i am in control of what i do.. as simple as that.. the reason why i decided to pen this post is as simple as what i have been tellin from the starting.. i wanted a post so i am scribbling!! dont u think u shud vote for this post being the most scribbled one ?? :P

final countdown

august 24,2005-8:30am - reporting time in the auditorium for the orientation. i look around for some known faces and feel disappointed.the quantum jump from school to college scared the shit out of me.the only thought that was constantly running in my mind was when will the great year"2009" come? semesters rolled by.never a day has passed when i hadnt wanted to sit in the final year classroom and be done with this whole mess... now that am finally in fourth year and when i look back, the memories try to flood me and instigate a mixed feeling in me. the few happy memories(being very less in number) come to my mind first.these tend to dislodge the unhappy and unpleasant ones from the rugged stretch of land. recently on the last day of college, i just walked out of my class at the end of the day.. the short walk from my class encompassed the passage through my second year classroom and my eyes sat on the third year room as well..call it self pity or deja vu or nostalgia, i am very confused on this! the endless times when i have hated the class and the teachers,the endless punishments and fines... i must be really getting old for instead of some deep resentment which i should rightfully be feeling, i have somehow developed a sense of peace and forgiveness!lol i know this sounds very philosophical but thats the truth. i have accepted few things in life and realised that fighting against them would be like tryin to hold tight to the sand in the palm. the minute you realise it isnt possible and relax, it automatically stays in your hand! i guess this is what they call as with age comes wisdom. i sure seem to have found mine! sure, this is not how i wanted it to be but this is what i got. so why not try to accept the fact rather than fight against the odds when the whole ordeal is actually over?mind you, i am not a hypocrite to say that i miss college but i am not a masochist either! whats the point?

closure

i met her first five years back.she was a baby then and is still to some extent.we shared more than a few laughs and every morning,afternoon and night was spent in the bliss of innocence and ignorance.we basked together in the sunshine as if we had been shut in complete darkness till then.no place was left unvisited,no trick untried,life went on at a rapid pace as if there was no tomorrow.thoughts,feelings,treasured memories of childhood came to be shared between the two of us and the little,cherished or unhappy situations spun an invisible thread of closeness .between the two of us, nothing was left to be unravelled.days passed,misunderstandings started to crop up.distance made the hearts yearn for each other and when brought closer,began to spew fire and venom. the souls started to drift apart.the collosal damage was sensed at both the ends.ego,taking things for granted,complacent attitude lent support to the situation.from somehwere,there came another soul with the hope of finding a new light,like a firefly attracted to the source of light with full joy and curiosity of the unknown.the sheer sense of loneliness and boredom drove these together.the river changed its course and the old course started to dry.the civilisations which once flourished on the banks started to disappear.the numbers started to dwindle.the able moved for better places in search of livelihood. a sense of anticipation and anguish spread through them. the collapse of the known and the lack of knowledge of the unknown sent a chill across their spines.not the type of dwelling too much in the past,they were grateful for the happy times spent. they moved on.it was then that they concluded:it was the end of an era...

atidevin

she read so many novels that she ended up losing her mind. she had people call her ayvin(her real name was atidevin):she thought she was a princess(she was a peasant's daughter),she imagined herself to be yound and beautiful(she was forty years old).finally she invented a lover herself to whom she gave the name don quixote .she said don quixote had departed for far away kingdoms in search of adventures and danger,both to perform worthy deeds and to be able, on his return, to marry a damsel of her noble character.she spent all the time peering out of the window waiting for the return of the nonexistent knight.ayrus, a poor devil who loved her,struck on the diea of passing himself as don quixote.he put on an old suit of armour,mounted his horse and set forth to repeat the deeds which ayvin attributed to her lover.when sure of success of his strategy, he returned back to the town;ayvin had died

making the sad happy

you're bound to think i am a liar:but i've never felt happy.i dont know what happiness means. as far back as i can remember i've never known what it is like.i smile, of course,but without joy.i feel absolutely nothing,not even sadness.i just smile.
people often ask me," how do you manage to smile, then?" i have to admit that i dont' know.what happens usually is that i'm with a group of friends and there's plenty of amusement.since i am absent minded i very soon forget about it.when i think about it again, the group is gone.
does this mean i smile under hynosis,in some kind of dissociated state?certainly not. io said that this usually happens.but not always.sometimes i rememebr that the smile is plastered on my face.but that doesnt stop me from smiling all the same.
naturally, i've tried having a long face.but that didnt work.i got sadder and sadder. i gave up just in time. a little loner i would have died of self imposed misery without knowing it.this experience frightened me so much that i now smile all the time.that way i dont worry.my smile looks genuine and i have to keep the machine going .for other people,sadness provides a warning:since i am deprived of it i have to be doubly careful.as i said earlier am absent minded.to forget would be fatal.i prefer to smile all the time: its safer.i realise too that wheb i dont smile i become nervous and irritable, and dont know what to do about it. in the streets, i am frequently accosted by less fortunate people dressed in rags.they gaze at me with fever-bright eyes and stammer"we're misrable" i look at them with hatred.they eat only a crust of bread every month and they are happy at that time.happy are you? i say to them nastily "you're lucky".

sobs rattle their throats.shudders wrack them.eventually they more off with slow hesitant steps.as for me,i go to the nearest laughter club i see.will the miracle occur? my heart beats fast as i give the first smile.a terrible despair overwhelms me. nothing.nothing at all.no happiness.i take revenge by laughing out loud,like someone drowning thier sorrow in drink.
i leave the club weighed down with food and hatred.for i'm becoming bitter.i'm beginning to detest other people,people who are happy.i hate them.after all, thinking about people who are sad while i'm smiling is the only pleasure left to me!

soul stirring

following is the list of my all time favourites which i felt should definitely be mentioned over here

1)one of my personal favourites in the melody section is the song"yamunai aatrile" from thalapathy. what a woman! shobhana looks absolutely gorgeous and the song is so so nice. i like the lighting also in that song.the sunset fits in perfectly

2)netru illatha madham from pudhu mugam reason: the high pitch and the lyrics esp lines like" gangai neerun suvai kadhalum serum varai kavidhai variyun suvai artham puriyum varai " these might look simple yet make sense.

3) another song from the same movie is kannuku mai azhagu. i prefer the male version better .

4) pogathe song from deepavali under yuvan's composition

5) athangara maname song though am still not sure which movie this one was featured in but i seriously like mano's energy in this duet.

6) if english was considered then the " its only words" by the now nonexistent boyzone can be included.

7)pudhu velai mazhai from roja. i like the picturisation too :P

the list goes on but these are the few which came to my mind now .feel free to add more :D

crazy life

final year project!!! these words might send a chill acroos many a spine but it seems to have absolutely no effect on this angelic devil! damn arrogant statement, i know! i have finally understood how a s/w employee goes about his work- clocking in nine and half hrs of work everyday,morning and evening one mug of tea,browsing through all the websites which dnt get blocked,realising that he has few tasks to be completed at 4 in the evening and staying at office till 9 (psst: we being gals.. dunno abt the guys though) .well, these are all few excerpts from my life in visteon... and i hope the list continues in the next post ;)

welcomin yet another yr

finally i have grown up!! this year i decided i am not going to make any resolution as making is tough and sticking to them is tougher. i myself have got bored of forever wishing that my room should be clean enough,blah blah.. i guess this is what they call with age comes wisdom.. lol!but still i had a blast !! and started it off with a whacky thing. i am not gonna promise the whole world that i will henceforth take bloggin seriousl as ths is the nth time i am tellin that to myself.. happy new yr guys!!