perplexed

i am walking on the shores of a pristine beach...i guess i have been walking for quite sometime now...in search of a habitable place..in search of food..in search of a place to rest my feet....the gulls seem to be in a merry making mood playing with each other and nose diving into the water occasionally for their catch...the edges of the waves curl on reaching the shore, reminding me of my own curls...far across, the ocean looks very peaceful and placid...beneath the placid waters, many sharks must be on prowl,fish taking their evening swim, octopuses waking up from their siesta...beyond the sands, there are mountains stretching till the sky with sharp edges, making me wonder about the thrill which they can offer for diving...i smile at the tranquil nature and start humming a tune...left to myself, i threw inhibition,shyness to the winds and engaged in a full fledged song to my delight...splash..splash...a tiny droplet settled on my nose...rain...i look up as minutes before i had witnessed a clear blue sky...the scene now had changed to few huge black clouds moving at a great speed from the east...i am thrilled...thunderstorms!! what a sight it would be...i look at the sea..those same harmless curls of water suddenly lashing against the rocks on the shore...the gulls are nowhere to be seen...a small shade of fear coats my heart and makes me think, what the heck am i going to do?? i search for any sign of hamlet or fisher folks hoping to beg for a place to shelter for the night...that shade of fear..well, it just got stronger and stronger...i start running towards the mountains,hoping to find a sheltered cave or two...after covering some distance, i run out of breath...the droplets turn heavier and start pelting me...i suddenly realized that i was running quite close to the waves...my shoes were wet..suddenly, a huge boulder came in my view...by then it was too late to reduce my pace...i banged into it and fell down...my head started feeling whoozzy...i lost my grip on the boulder...the waves started crashing on me...my last thought...well, who would really care whether i am alive or dead...none...

boulevard of broken dreams....

whenever i feel down, i just keep returning to this good ol song...it almost always has something i connect with, no matter what the situation is...life is not a bed of roses is a cliched statement which is dished out at me at every given instance by someone or the other...its nt the hardships which am running away from..it is the people involved in these hardships...there are many times when i feel i am all alone fighting my own battle...by saying that am alone, i dont mean that i dont hav people around me...its the kind of feeling which you get when you enter a conference room full of people whom you dont know...many people around but not one whom you know...there are many things which just happen leaving you pretty unhappy...the confusing part about these happenings is that you dont know whther it happened for the good or the worse...
there is a saying which goes like the man who waters the tree never lives to enjoy its fruits...it is so true...i dont know what am blabbering here..its just that i am not at peace with myself...

feminist or not so much...

recently, there has been loads of news coverage about the emerging woman workforce who are giving the guys a run for their money in pratically all the fields...is it really so? the feminist in me got really irritated as what was being portrayed as the emerging cosmo india is actually not so cosmo in nature...u still get stares when you walk on the road in jeans in chennai..u still get smirked for going for higher studies...some of the castes just educate their girl child with an engineering degree to get them better alliances...many of the middle class women work not because they feel empowered but to make both the ends meet...does education and empowerment work this way?? last week, there was a heated discussion about how it is the girls who are at fault fr the rising rape cases in india..the reason given was that girls hardly wear clothes nowadays and hence, the guys get turned on so you cannot really blame them, you see....is this the explanation which you want to hear? that too from a sixty plus man...are the guys sooo less in self control that they jus have to do it if they see a gal's legs or watever....wat do we speak about the western societies then? i feel the first enemy for the modern women are women themselves.. the older generation is not comfortable with this new generation who go by their own rules, work hard and party harder attitude,who feel that they need not tolerate a guy and acknowledge their superiority(self claimed) just for the virtue of being born a guy...i happen to fall into this new generation myself...i see the way the women in my family view me as rebellious...is fighting for my basic rights as what to eat, where to eat and whom to eat termed as rebellious? all your life you are brought up with dialogues of how "the boys are bad..u shudnt talk to them unnecessarily..." and out of the blue, they decide on a guy by showing a pic and ask is he looking good?? for what?? for legalised mating?? how do you decide if a guy is good? by his fair looks? by his height? recently, my mum announced that there is a niceee guy who is nt yet married..qualification- some mba...6'2 height( told with an exclamation and a sense of satisfaction)...what am i gonna do with a 6'2 height guy? i dunno...how is it relevent?? i dont know...having studied so much and probably acquired wisdom over the years, dont i have the right to choose a guy for myself? why is it considered a deep disgrace if anyone has a love marriage? why does it have to immediately reflect on the upbringing which my mom gave or that of my family? why cannot it be considered as my individual decision?? is this the new age india? this is just an outburst from another so called empowered woman...

absolutely nothing to do

its during this time that my mind absolutely stops working...i am sitting at home waiting for my joining date and enjoying every bit of it...what do i like the most?? the very fact that i can watch the television without feeling guilty about wasting time or feeling that there is something else to do...hostel life leaves you wishing for some other furniture to sit on other than your bed...so i find my sofa a welcome relief....this relief has become my second bed as i practically live on it with all my necessities at an arm's distance away from me...yeah, you get it..i have become a couch potato...simply amazing....read novels, eat every goddamn stuff which is in kitchen, try out recipes when you are in the mood, and well...sleep blissfully...i probably enjoy this time more for the very fact that i feel i will never get this time back...coming online to check mails by itself sounds like a job to me nowadays....i hardly feel like coming online, chat endlessly with my far flung friends because coming online and whiling away the time reminds me so much of my b school days and that gets me quickly into a depression...well, not quite a depression...close to it....so here i am...in a new world which just cant get more idealistic :D

detachment

how much ever i read of philosophy, the one which strikes out is the concept of detachment...how can one not remain detached? if you have to remain detached, tat means u have to conscious of each and every minute to remind urself tat yes, i shudnt get attached...which in turn means tat you are nt being urself..u r nt giving 100% towards doing the work...its a vicious circle...the more you remind urself, the more u think about the idea, the more you think abt the idea, the more attached you become, the more attached you become, the more sad you will be once it fails, this sadness will make you go back to the concept of detachment and make urself promise that it wont happen again...and it starts all over again...

something positive...

onething i realised after going thru my blog is that i always write wen am sad...why cant i write wen i am happy,jubiliant or even neutral for that matter? probably because the creativity is best at the negative extreme...probably...well, this post is to show that i am happy now and i did think of this cribbing page even when am happy...and i intend to keep it this way for sometime :)

LIfe is a game

i look at either side of the alley, with my rifle ready, for any other human form.my extra sensory ears are working at
their peak performance rate, listening to any sounds coming from any direction in the fort.i am an amateur in this game
and hence, pretty apprehensive about the rules and the know how of the game.i proceed further down with the same caution
my long time friend calls out to me, making me halt and raise my rifle in caution. he approaches and gives an idea that
"lets take the enemies down together". united we stand. i listen to his idea and think yeah, i do trust him.
it makes more sense. lets do it together. so together, we move on the unknown path leading us through the pits of danger, whirpool of
emotions ranging from fear, anxiety to jubiliance to the final stage of victory. i take care of the ammunition part
of aimless firing at all the directions, just looking enough to ensure that someone has fallen down. brainy tactics,
i have always lacked.covering my various achilles heels, i have always done.

He takes care of analysing the route to be taken from the parched map of this old fort which we carried in our jacket.
he loudly thinks over the strategy which we should opt for. how many enemies are we likely to encounter in which all
paths, would the terrain be rough for us to compete effectively, would the same factor hamper other people from taking
the same path,how would we take the enemies down, will it be simply by firing, or do we have to throw our limited supply
of explosives.so yeah, with every possible issue covered by the two of us, yeah mostly by him, we marched forward in
the most congested and the most difficult path of all. high risks, high gains. that was our motto.one, two, we take them
by surprise and clever manipulation.
blood, gory scenes, bodies flung on either side of our route,i try to turn my heart into a stone.i feel the
deep sense of anguish and start to question the cause for our actions. is it necessary? cant we do without it? he tries
to convince me that it is necessary for the survival of the fittest. we need to fight it out and that i need to be
grateful to have more information and the deep forethought of my partner which many others lack.grateful i am,questioning
the outcome i did.
during the course of our journey, there was a general shift of our well defined responsibilities. i started helping him
in charting out our path and redefining our objectives.my rusted brain, started shining vibrantly, bringing forth all the
vicious and manipulative ideas which we decorated and presented to the world as effective strategy for moving forward.

we finally reached the top of the fort after a gruelling climb, both physically and emotionally.i for one was jubilliant.
we made it to the top. 100 metres away lay the goal post which would soon declare us to be the winners.almost everyone
whom we knew had been taken down in our rise to the top. obsessed with the goal, we were.with these thoughts, i looked
at my side to give a jubiliant smile to my long standing partner who had helped me so much. there was just pure air and
the scenery from the top beyond.the reality struck deep inside me.a mix of a figment of my own imagination and the angel
whom i had trusted had brought me to where i was. shocked, i decided to finish the game started by me by moving forward
to collect my trophy near the goal post.as i was moving ahead, a shot of sharp pain cruised my veins from my leg. it was
excruciable. i started stumbling while another shot of pain danced its way through my spinal cord. i turned back in vain.
i saw her smiling face while i fell down, helplessly 10 metres away from the goal post.